I just read an article in Business Week talking about some of the great books out there (see other blog link) for working moms and on ramping etc and they concluded by saying that the one thing all working moms had in common—those for whom working, works—is that their husbands do half. I looked up at my husband as I read this and told him and he, straightfaced and with no sense of irony, said “I do, do half”.

This isn’t meant to be a blog railing against my husband. But in the quick interests of full disclosure let me tell you that in college his friends called him the Christ Child because they’d never seen a person as spoiled and indulged as he is. He absolutely knows he is, and he’s “come a long way”, everyone keeps telling me. I, also, am someone that always does too much and picks up everyone else’s slack—to the point that I remember my brother telling me to STOP mothering him because he already had a mother—and this was when he was like 27.

But back to my original point and its this: I really don’t know ANY dads that do half. If there are some out there, that’s awesome. But in my personal situation, I work two full-time jobs—running a marketing business and putting together this event—and take care of my kids with the help of a two-day-a-week nanny. If you’ve read my other blogs you know of my innate cheapness thus I have no cleaning woman (I’m too cheap) and I mow the lawn myself, do the garden, etc—because I want it to look exactly how I want it, and, because I’m too cheap. I do all the laundry, I do the shopping, etc etc—pretty much what I’m sure all of you do.

My husband came home from work the other day and when I asked him to put away his laundry—folded for him and sitting on the floor for 5 straight days—he said he was too tired from work.

On that day I had taken all 3 kids to the grocery store where I lost one (she lost me, and was crying—I knew where she was but couldn’t get to her because another one had just taken a header out of the stroller). I’d paid all the bills, done a full day’s work in 2 hours, “stimulated” my children at the playground (meaning got them out of the house), weeded two flower beds in between chasing the twins who keep running to the next door neighbors—oh yes, I even jogged that day because summer’s coming and YOU’VE got to get ready (anyone remember that ad?).

But HE was tired.

My point is (this did turn into a bit of a rail against him, whoops) I don’t even EXPECT it anymore. It’s not worth fighting about. I just do what I do because it’s gotta get done and he absolutely doesn’t even see the stuff that needs to BE done. Which, I think, is why he thinks he does half—he just flat out doesn’t see the other pieces! He knows I do a lot but is fuzzy on details. He’s a wonderful dad and loves his girls—don’t get me wrong. But even on the weekends, when he’s “in charge”—a lot of time that means the tv’s on, or he’s ducked outside to work on a project of his—not understanding that maybe his projects have to come last if they all want to do their own thing.

Doing half. It’s a great concept. But a, a lot of dads ARE in offices all day and thus going to the grocery store, or doing the laundry, is tougher. The NYC area commute is a killer. It’s a lot of excuses, many of them pretty valid. But I think by nature moms tend to be the ones to pick up the slack. At the office, too—not just home.

I’d LOVE to hear stories of how to get husbands to do half, and tips on how to discuss it without accusing one’s spouse of being a total sloth (ie, don’t use the word sloth). But I really do think that at home (and at the office) men just don’t even understand what “half” is.

There’s a great article in The New York Times today regarding…exactly the topic of our forum. How five years ago, it was unthinkable to go in to your boss and ask for a 3 day week; how if you’d taken 4-5 years off, it was virtually impossible to go back—at least, back with any status—and how now, that’s all changing.
I do certainly think it is but unfortunately too slowly! I’m hoping our forum will have some impact in speeding the change, or continuing the discussion, or at the very least will let everyone who joins us know what options are out there. I am such a strong believer that everyone should be able to have some level of fulfillment in the job they are doing. I know I was miserable for a while doing a job I didn’t care about—working on this Forum is definitely the most interesting and rewarding project I’ve ever been involved in.
I still did read longingly of some of the companies mentioned in the Times, who are doing whatever they can to retain or attract bright smart women. Maybe someday I’ll pursue one of those options and maybe there will be a lot more to choose from in 2 years, 4 years, etc.
And of course, we encourage these great companies to join us as sponsors!

I just realized that I know THREE people who’s job it is, for the most part, to play golf for a living. They’re all men. None of them are Tiger Woods. That is, they aren’t really professional golfers—instead, they play golf as a major part of their jobs—as a way to woo clients, keep relationships solid, and so forth.

Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s just a coincidence that the folks I know with such jobs are men—but I feel like this sort of illustrates the double standard that’s out there. When I was at business school they offered Golf (not for credit—but as an option so that you’d have your A game when you went to those big-time client meetings). I had already taken golf in college so look at me, ahead of the curve. I HATE golf but I am qualified to play it.

But I sort of feel like those golf jobs aren’t necessarily out there for women. Could that be because there’s still a (gasp) double standard there? There is no way, simply no way, I can justify an afternoon of golf with the amount of work responsibilities I have…but it is quite literally a job for other people—people who are paid more than me, I’d add.

This isn’t supposed to be a venting session or forum for complaining. But I do think that part of the issue is that it wouldn’t occur to me to ASK for that kind of job. And maybe part of the issue of why I, personally, as a working mother face some of the issues that I do is that I’m afraid to ask for certain things, thinking they’d be out of line—wanting to appear grateful for what I have. But that’s kind of nuts. So many working moms huge contributions are taken for granted…which all goes back to why they’d just as soon throw in the towel rather than fight.

This also leads me to another discussion I had with a friend, who encouraged us to include dads in our forum. While I know that there are “stay at home dads” out there…one lives two doors down from me…I don’t think it’s a hugely widespread phenomenon yet and even more importantly I think men in general face very different issues in the workplace—as stay at home dads, flex-time workers, or full timers. Our focus here has to be on moms—because there are so many issues to work on—though we encourage any dads out there who want to develop a similar forum to give us a call, and we’ll partner with you.

I never, never considered myself a feminist at all until I started getting slapped in the face with some of the inequalities! I do think it’s in part a function of being in a certain industry, but in general, my firm position now is that if someone’s getting PAID to play golf I can’t feel guilty for being on a conference call when I’m at the park.

Putting together this conference and working on this forum as a sustainable series of events is definitely one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever been involved in…thought not monetarily, at least not yet! So I’m working on all of these ways to save a buck here and there. Some of its working out for the best…some, not so much.

For instance, I couldn’t justify having a cleaning lady anymore. Even though she was good, I let her go. Now this has actually worked out really well because I’ll be honest, we were living with standards so low that I’m not sure they actually counted as “standards”. My cleaning lady came every two weeks. My innate cheapness—coming from a long line of misers—couldn’t justify her once a week. My kids (and husband) took it as their personal mission to become the dirtiest, most filthiest critters ever known to man the moment she walked out the door leaving behind a sparkling house and the sweet smell of cleanliness. Within 3 minutes I could count on juice cups being dumped, sandy feet tracking into far corners, goldfish dumped and summarily stomped in a routine that had to have been pre-rehearsed.

But here’s the thing. My poor, poor cleaning lady was walking into a nightmare every two weeks—I left the house early because I was usually pretty embarrassed to be around. Our whole family (let’s be honest, I’m probably the only one who even had this thought—the others were just happily living a pig-pen existence) would drop something on the floor and…if it was within a day or two of the cleaning lady coming, leave it. Saying, “the cleaning lady will get it’. Maybe if it was within 4-5 days of her coming.

Bathrooms? Never cleaned by us. Counters—halfheartedly wiped. Piles? Built up pretty high…all to the refrain of “The cleaning lady will get it”.

So when I had to let her go, we had to pick up the slack. And things we waited for her to do—we had to do. (let’s be honest—we is me). Is it awesome to clean my floors almost every night? Do the bathrooms myself? Not really. Are my hardwood floors as sparkly as she got them? I’m not even sure they’ve BEEN cleaned since she left. But the day-to-day stuff is much, much better and the kids HAVE started to help—what I can make fun, or moderately interesting…

Before the kidlets, I also belonged to a gym—and when my time was my own I could work out when and if I wanted, do some half-hearted presses on machines, wander about staring at the equipment—now neither the time nor the money is justifiable. So I run on my treadmill in the basement—I COULD do it when they’re napping, but I have 2 hours to jam all my work into so I typically wait till they’re up and they play while I run.

The other day, as I was doing my sit-ups afterwards—little round Coco, one of my twins, got down next to me and put her fat little legs up in the air and waved her arms about. It was SO much better, even, then the single days of checking out a hot guy at the gym.

So sometimes saving a buck has some great “side effects”. Not always. I tried drinking cheaper wine and that didn’t work out. Tried not going to Dunkin Donuts but please—it was too easy to justify that $5 worth of coffee, munchkins, and the accompanying happy faces. Now it’s a matter of checks and balances. If anyone’s got any great money saving tips, let me know!

We found out that we won the AVON “Hello Tomorrow” fund award…for women who are “changing the world” with efforts on behalf of other women…and we were SO excited! Check out our winning entry and this great program, in general.

When we started working on this event, we heard over and over from everyone we presented our concept to “What a great idea”—and more often than not, “I wanted to do something exactly like that myself!” I’m more excited about the work I’m doing on this project than on anything else I’ve ever been involved with…and the shot in the arm the AVON award will give us, with its validation and endorsement, is a huge step forward for us.

But we are still fighting an uphill battle as we bring our concept to companies—to the very companies who speak about how important it is to include bright women in their workforce, how crucial it is to retain talented and experienced women after said women have children. As is the norm with everything, it’s easy to “talk the talk”. The reason this conference is so crucial, I feel, is because when it comes to “walking the walk” companies are still not quite there. They need to be convinced of the efficiency, the economics, and the out and out smart business it is to make a workplace that keeps ALL employees happy.

It’s a basic message…there’s always more money out there, always “greener grass”. But if you create a workplace that keeps people happy—through a flexible work environment, by valuing effort and by promoting on contributions and not face time—you’ll keep loyal employees. You’ll avoid the cost of recruiting and training. You’ll get experienced and value contributions from employees who care.

Why is it so hard to convince employers of this message, I wonder?

Meanwhile…THANK YOU, AVON!!

There’s a new book out now called “The Feminine Mistake”. Leslie Bennetts, the author, uses as her premise that women are taking a risk—too big a risk—in quitting their jobs to stay home and raise their children. The economics don’t work, she argues, and at any given moment your husband could die or leave you with nothing—nothing but bills, and kids to raise.

Obviously a conversation starter—or maybe a conversation stopper, depending on who you’re talking to! I’d argue that having kids is a risk, right from the start. You risk your heart and your sanity—along with your nice wardrobe, polished nails, a pristine white couch. I knew I’d love my kids, before I had them—but I was never so determined as when I looked at my 4 day old baby and said “I would do anything for her. Anything”. I’d argue, that you don’t know what love is, until you have a child.

For me, doing “anything” for my baby—now, babies—meant stopping a promising career in marketing that I didn’t love every day but certainly enjoyed, a lot of the time. The risk of financial ruin was far outweighed by the certainty of me missing my kids. Big moments, like walking, and small moments, like the funny things they say every single day. Like when Coco head-butts me, AGAIN, because she’s such a voracious hugger. I worry about money, a lot, but I worry about my happiness if I didn’t have this time with my kids.

A quote I saw from Ms. Bennetts points out that women “…don’t have to be partners in a law firm”…that is, they can have a job that takes less time or is lower level. I’d argue that this is WORSE. A job is that much more difficult if you don’t care—walking away from your kids is even less desirable when you detest every minute you spend in the workplace, when you’re undervalued and underpaid.

Of course, companies are getting better at that. That’s the premise of our forum—that working moms can achieve some sort of balance. But to call spending time with your kids a mistake, to say leaving a career is a risk…life is risks. This one at least has a pretty solid payoff, at the end.