Doing Half
I just read an article in Business Week talking about some of the great books out there (see other blog link) for working moms and on ramping etc and they concluded by saying that the one thing all working moms had in common—those for whom working, works—is that their husbands do half. I looked up at my husband as I read this and told him and he, straightfaced and with no sense of irony, said “I do, do half”.
This isn’t meant to be a blog railing against my husband. But in the quick interests of full disclosure let me tell you that in college his friends called him the Christ Child because they’d never seen a person as spoiled and indulged as he is. He absolutely knows he is, and he’s “come a long way”, everyone keeps telling me. I, also, am someone that always does too much and picks up everyone else’s slack—to the point that I remember my brother telling me to STOP mothering him because he already had a mother—and this was when he was like 27.
But back to my original point and its this: I really don’t know ANY dads that do half. If there are some out there, that’s awesome. But in my personal situation, I work two full-time jobs—running a marketing business and putting together this event—and take care of my kids with the help of a two-day-a-week nanny. If you’ve read my other blogs you know of my innate cheapness thus I have no cleaning woman (I’m too cheap) and I mow the lawn myself, do the garden, etc—because I want it to look exactly how I want it, and, because I’m too cheap. I do all the laundry, I do the shopping, etc etc—pretty much what I’m sure all of you do.
My husband came home from work the other day and when I asked him to put away his laundry—folded for him and sitting on the floor for 5 straight days—he said he was too tired from work.
On that day I had taken all 3 kids to the grocery store where I lost one (she lost me, and was crying—I knew where she was but couldn’t get to her because another one had just taken a header out of the stroller). I’d paid all the bills, done a full day’s work in 2 hours, “stimulated” my children at the playground (meaning got them out of the house), weeded two flower beds in between chasing the twins who keep running to the next door neighbors—oh yes, I even jogged that day because summer’s coming and YOU’VE got to get ready (anyone remember that ad?).
But HE was tired.
My point is (this did turn into a bit of a rail against him, whoops) I don’t even EXPECT it anymore. It’s not worth fighting about. I just do what I do because it’s gotta get done and he absolutely doesn’t even see the stuff that needs to BE done. Which, I think, is why he thinks he does half—he just flat out doesn’t see the other pieces! He knows I do a lot but is fuzzy on details. He’s a wonderful dad and loves his girls—don’t get me wrong. But even on the weekends, when he’s “in charge”—a lot of time that means the tv’s on, or he’s ducked outside to work on a project of his—not understanding that maybe his projects have to come last if they all want to do their own thing.
Doing half. It’s a great concept. But a, a lot of dads ARE in offices all day and thus going to the grocery store, or doing the laundry, is tougher. The NYC area commute is a killer. It’s a lot of excuses, many of them pretty valid. But I think by nature moms tend to be the ones to pick up the slack. At the office, too—not just home.
I’d LOVE to hear stories of how to get husbands to do half, and tips on how to discuss it without accusing one’s spouse of being a total sloth (ie, don’t use the word sloth). But I really do think that at home (and at the office) men just don’t even understand what “half” is.