I found a great blog the other day that I’ve been peeking at here and there—part of offsprung.com. Hausfrau writes from the perspective of a mom in Northern NJ—ah, I can identify. Very funny and witty and I’d recommend it for a laugh here and there.

And in other recommendations: saw a good article in Newsweek from Maria Shriver. She has a great perspective on balance—she was one of the first to say “You can have it all. Just not at the same time”. Here’s the link to the whole article, but I especially loved this part:

“…I’m not sure enough respect and attention have been paid along the way to some of the simple acts traditionally associated with being a mother–the nurturing, the gentleness, the listening and the comforting. I think bringing into this world a child who feels whole, who feels loved, who feels safe and who feels centered is the most powerful act of all. If you get it right, wow! There’s nothing better.”

I KNOW in my head and by watching them that my kids are loved and are confident in that love. So I guess if that’s all I can accomplish now it’s a good thing to be proud of.

Ever go through times when it seems everyone lets you down? Everyone you count on, everyone you quasi-count on?

Tonight, after much planning, I was all set to go out for my anniversary. We’d planned to go to a day spa for a massage and a facial (he and I, respectively)…so scrumptious and wonderful, since I haven’t had a facial and been pampered in so long.

In fact–when I was I pregnant with first and the double second–I had a sweet deal that I could get facials once a month. I know if I went now, it would be deserved and fine but I can never set aside the time, my old favorite spa in Hoboken closed, my babysitter time covers my “office time”…blah blah blah…so now it’s been so long that I’ve been considering another pregnancy IF ONLY for the facials.

Anywho, all set for it, facial and then a nice dinner and then even being home early, watching tv, cosy reading a book, aaah. And, to top it all off, my former nanny was coming to sit–so didn’t have to worry about the kids AND they were so super excited to see her.

At 5 as we got ready to go through my head flitted “I wonder if [nanny] remembers?”. I had after all set this up two weeks ago. Wait for it…

No she didn’t. We called at quarter past, she’d forgotten, I called the spa (crying) and luckily they waived their 48 hour cancellation policy for ME–hubby raced off for massage while I got to spend MORE time with the kids. We cleaned and tidied and then he called from the spa…we went off to meet him for dinner.

So we’re at dinner–all of us–and I’m thinking I LOVE these kids. I do. It’s not their fault it’s my anniversary and I wanted a night of quiet and tranquil and no shouting (ie, when we told one twin to use her whisper voice at the restaurant, and she looked at us, SCREAMED “AAH” LOUDER THAN EVER BEFORE IN HER LIFE, and the whole restaurant NO JOKE quieted for a moment till some guy turned and jokingly yelled “I CAN’T HEAR YOU” at her, difusing tension, sort of–well, that’s the kind of “no shouting” I was aiming for). Anyway, we’re all together, and it’s family, and isn’t that what it’s all about? Or is it about a party in the next room so our dinner takes over an hour to get to us? Why yes, of course that’s what happens.

It is what it is, I thought. Just gotta let it go and roll with it. I can’t get wrapped up in what would have been a great relaxing night. This is nice too.

The girls were as good as could be, the restaurant (since it was late!!) cleared out so it was only us, to annoy ourselves, we ate, we came home, we got ‘em up to bed an hour late sans bath night two (stinkers)–and as I was showing Emma one of her Christmas books that she was excited to read (she’s like a department store, gearing up 3 months early) she says “I like you like this, not all yelling.”

So BAM. I am feeling so let down by so many people I know. And I guess it all goes back to making sure I don’t let her down.

And that’s why for me motherhood is “fitting in work and life where you can” like the premise of this blog says. And maybe if I can just work on not letting her down, maybe that’s enough.

Though I wouldn’t mind a facial.

Lisa Belkin, of the New York Times, had an interesting story today…I think it’s something all working mothers face, the infringement on “family time”. I mean it’s hard enough to haul it off to the office, kissing those sweet faces and saying good bye–but then to feel that you’re falling behind, or can’t compete, because you can’t stay for late, wine-soaked dinners makes it tough. The other day I had to turn down the chance to present at a meeting because said meeting was in Orlando, on Halloween. If the planets aligned, if nothing ran over, if every airplane was on time…I’d be home at 8pm to hear all about how my kids went trick-or-treating without me.

Trick or treating, that is, in costumes that I had to go to seven different stores, to track down pieces of…they actually CALLED me over the loudspeaker at Target the other day to tell me to report back to “Seasonal” to pick up my “Kids Pixie Wig in Blue”; some hard-working Target person had found the very last one under a pile of witch hats! Score! Thing One and Thing Two live…but I digress…

So I had to say “No” to the Halloween trip and someone else (again) will present my thoughts and my work.

Lisa was actually supposed to be at our conference (mentioned in her column as the one she had to cancel out of); we were disappointed she didn’t make it. Kirsten and I thought long and hard about the date, before we scheduled that first event. We didn’t want to choose a weekend day as many families (we think rightfully) reserve Saturdays and Sundays for “Family Days”. Though we knew Columbus Day was a holiday, we hoped that because many offices considered it a “floating holiday” our “working mom” attendees wouldn’t have to use a regular vacation day, and that some dads might be available to help with the childcare. We found, in our attendee pool and in our surveys, that the day worked for some and was more of a struggle for others…reinforcing our overall initial thought that “Any day is a bad day for moms to juggle!”. Our thinking for future events is that we’ll hold them on a “normal” school day in hopes that will help with the childcare connundrum…one that every mom that works, even from home, has to deal with. Certainly feel free to let us know what you think re: scheduling.

But I think the case studies Lisa mentions in her article are good examples…companies that make it “ok” not to attend late dinners, or early breakfasts. I told someone I’d schedule a meeting “first thing” the other day, and threw out 10am…he said “First thing is 7am”. Um, yikes.

It’s all about the boundaries. Because from prior positions, I know that saying yes to a lot of those late-night dinners can put you in positions you don’t want to be in–far beyond the boundaries you’ve set. I watched people dig themselves into holes professionally (and personally). And it goes back to the thoughts of one of our panelists, who mentioned how her “corporate priorities” had changed; how what once motivated her, no longer would. I think a lot of working moms (me, for instance) would forgo that fabulously expensive dinner and fourth glass of wine at 11pm to be comfortably ensconsed watching tv with children happily slumbering in the next room…knowing you’ve had a good dinner (or heated some leftovers) and heard of their exploits and travails before kissing them goodnight.

It’s about the family time. It’s about the boundaries. And, I think, about prioritizing…saying no to things that don’t matter so if, for instance, some one-of-a-kind amazing event comes up that could change the way you chart your career…you can say yes!

First I’m going to preface this by saying my mom told me, “Reading your blog is a little obnoxious, because you sound like you’re just preaching that you have it all together.” I don’t think this is true–a, that it sounds like it, OR b, that I have it all together. I do try to stay quasi-positive because I’m not sure if a, anyone would read this if I just ranted and moaned and b, if anyone would come to our forums if I came across as a nutty wack-job.

So that said, tonight I went to church as I am liable to do on fall evenings, for a chance at some peace and quiet and time to reflect. I was thinking about the dilemma I’m in…having produced this amazing, awesome event a week ago, now it’s over and I’m sort of “Where do I go now?” After all, one of the reasons we started this was in a search for answers, ourselves.

I find myself in a situation of having an enviable schedule at work–actually, it seems enviable until you actually live it, I think. I do have the opportunity to work several days a week from home. But what I’m doing doesn’t inspire me or motivate me–I’m talking about my “day job”, not my Detours and OnRamps work. That motivates me but right now doesn’t exactly pay me. It’s hard to walk away from this amazing schedule though–as I can’t imagine spending extra time away from my little ones. The other day, as I spent a day on a trip–so fully immersed in work, and able to spend time with a work friend–I thought, “I love this and wish I could totally immerse myself in it”–but I missed my kids. The flip side is, when I’m with my kids, I never think “I miss work”. So on simple terms, there’s my answer.

Except, I find myself sort of floating along, not really happy. That’s wrong. I’m often happy, doing things with the kids, but not FULFILLED. And it seems selfish to want that…but then I think of something else my mom said, that kids need a happy mother. So how do I get there?

There were so many great discussions and conversations at the forum; it was a wonderful chance to catch a glimpse of yourself in someone else’s situation, to see if there were other trails and paths you (I) could pursue. Something one of our panelists–on our panel of three Nicoles–said, when asked if she would ever go back to a corporate job after being an entrepreneur…”I could, but I think the things that motivated me would be far different–things that mattered so much, now wouldn’t at all”. That is so true–I was so motivated by advancement, by title, by “rubbing shouders” with the important people. Now, I don’t care. So how, then, am I to figure out what WOULD make me happy career-wise if I know it wasn’t what it once was? And when I know I’ll miss my kids if I’m there too much?

I think there is a part of me that worries that if I DO get a job that I love too much that it would be too easy to walk away from the kids–from the spilled juice and the temper tantrums and the fighting over seats and from one of the twins who’s taken to just flat out slapping me in the face when she’s mad. That such professional fulfillment would make me a happy person but that the mom part would be gone. And they are only little once. And I can’t even throw away their shoes without crying because they are getting bigger. And I can’t even write about it without tearing up!

So: I think back to what Anne Weisberg said, that Deloitte is making it their business to make their employees happy. And make sure, when they are happy, that they are happy and stay, that they can work on their terms. Knowing that there are companies like that is a good thing. And also, thinking of the mantra of “None of this is forever–this is only for now” is a good thing.

I don’t have a snappy answer for the end of this blog. I’m going to just spend some more time around my kids so they can do more funny things to blog about. I also just feel like it’s so LAME to constantly be questioning this–”How can I balance my life? How can I balance?” Shouldn’t that have been answered by now? And is the reason we keep asking because we’re expecting too much of our own selves?

Whew! Recovering from our first event which from our perspective was a great success…but even more importantly, from our participant’s perspective, was a great event!! So many people who were there made a point of telling us how important our event was to them which was very appreciated…based on the time and money we put into it. We’re hoping this now can lead to more! So reach out and tell us where you’d be interested in seeing such an event…we’re thinking Boston and Washington, but are open to suggestions.

One of things that drove me in building this event was the desire to help contribute to a marketplace that would lead to easier choices for MY daughters. When I got home, the babysitter told me that my 3 1/2 year old told her “Tomorrow I have a busy day. I have to go to work and do my conference”. I guess she picked up on what I was so busy working on…

And today all three kids sent me flowers to say “Congrats”! That was nice…but even better was the feeling that I created something and did something that I was PROUD of for the first time in six years (professionally proud–I created and am proud of my kids, as well)! And one of the things I took from the conference–along with great conversations and lots of positive reinforcement–was that it’s not ok to NOT feel good about what you’re doing–and I shouldn’t have to “settle” for less every day. So–learning experience for all. I know–from emails already sent thanking us!–that others got a lot out of the day…so thanks to those who were a part of it, and I look forward to seeing MORE people at a future event!