First I’m going to preface this by saying my mom told me, “Reading your blog is a little obnoxious, because you sound like you’re just preaching that you have it all together.” I don’t think this is true–a, that it sounds like it, OR b, that I have it all together. I do try to stay quasi-positive because I’m not sure if a, anyone would read this if I just ranted and moaned and b, if anyone would come to our forums if I came across as a nutty wack-job.

So that said, tonight I went to church as I am liable to do on fall evenings, for a chance at some peace and quiet and time to reflect. I was thinking about the dilemma I’m in…having produced this amazing, awesome event a week ago, now it’s over and I’m sort of “Where do I go now?” After all, one of the reasons we started this was in a search for answers, ourselves.

I find myself in a situation of having an enviable schedule at work–actually, it seems enviable until you actually live it, I think. I do have the opportunity to work several days a week from home. But what I’m doing doesn’t inspire me or motivate me–I’m talking about my “day job”, not my Detours and OnRamps work. That motivates me but right now doesn’t exactly pay me. It’s hard to walk away from this amazing schedule though–as I can’t imagine spending extra time away from my little ones. The other day, as I spent a day on a trip–so fully immersed in work, and able to spend time with a work friend–I thought, “I love this and wish I could totally immerse myself in it”–but I missed my kids. The flip side is, when I’m with my kids, I never think “I miss work”. So on simple terms, there’s my answer.

Except, I find myself sort of floating along, not really happy. That’s wrong. I’m often happy, doing things with the kids, but not FULFILLED. And it seems selfish to want that…but then I think of something else my mom said, that kids need a happy mother. So how do I get there?

There were so many great discussions and conversations at the forum; it was a wonderful chance to catch a glimpse of yourself in someone else’s situation, to see if there were other trails and paths you (I) could pursue. Something one of our panelists–on our panel of three Nicoles–said, when asked if she would ever go back to a corporate job after being an entrepreneur…”I could, but I think the things that motivated me would be far different–things that mattered so much, now wouldn’t at all”. That is so true–I was so motivated by advancement, by title, by “rubbing shouders” with the important people. Now, I don’t care. So how, then, am I to figure out what WOULD make me happy career-wise if I know it wasn’t what it once was? And when I know I’ll miss my kids if I’m there too much?

I think there is a part of me that worries that if I DO get a job that I love too much that it would be too easy to walk away from the kids–from the spilled juice and the temper tantrums and the fighting over seats and from one of the twins who’s taken to just flat out slapping me in the face when she’s mad. That such professional fulfillment would make me a happy person but that the mom part would be gone. And they are only little once. And I can’t even throw away their shoes without crying because they are getting bigger. And I can’t even write about it without tearing up!

So: I think back to what Anne Weisberg said, that Deloitte is making it their business to make their employees happy. And make sure, when they are happy, that they are happy and stay, that they can work on their terms. Knowing that there are companies like that is a good thing. And also, thinking of the mantra of “None of this is forever–this is only for now” is a good thing.

I don’t have a snappy answer for the end of this blog. I’m going to just spend some more time around my kids so they can do more funny things to blog about. I also just feel like it’s so LAME to constantly be questioning this–”How can I balance my life? How can I balance?” Shouldn’t that have been answered by now? And is the reason we keep asking because we’re expecting too much of our own selves?

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