All about the boundaries
Lisa Belkin, of the New York Times, had an interesting story today…I think it’s something all working mothers face, the infringement on “family time”. I mean it’s hard enough to haul it off to the office, kissing those sweet faces and saying good bye–but then to feel that you’re falling behind, or can’t compete, because you can’t stay for late, wine-soaked dinners makes it tough. The other day I had to turn down the chance to present at a meeting because said meeting was in Orlando, on Halloween. If the planets aligned, if nothing ran over, if every airplane was on time…I’d be home at 8pm to hear all about how my kids went trick-or-treating without me.
Trick or treating, that is, in costumes that I had to go to seven different stores, to track down pieces of…they actually CALLED me over the loudspeaker at Target the other day to tell me to report back to “Seasonal” to pick up my “Kids Pixie Wig in Blue”; some hard-working Target person had found the very last one under a pile of witch hats! Score! Thing One and Thing Two live…but I digress…
So I had to say “No” to the Halloween trip and someone else (again) will present my thoughts and my work.
Lisa was actually supposed to be at our conference (mentioned in her column as the one she had to cancel out of); we were disappointed she didn’t make it. Kirsten and I thought long and hard about the date, before we scheduled that first event. We didn’t want to choose a weekend day as many families (we think rightfully) reserve Saturdays and Sundays for “Family Days”. Though we knew Columbus Day was a holiday, we hoped that because many offices considered it a “floating holiday” our “working mom” attendees wouldn’t have to use a regular vacation day, and that some dads might be available to help with the childcare. We found, in our attendee pool and in our surveys, that the day worked for some and was more of a struggle for others…reinforcing our overall initial thought that “Any day is a bad day for moms to juggle!”. Our thinking for future events is that we’ll hold them on a “normal” school day in hopes that will help with the childcare connundrum…one that every mom that works, even from home, has to deal with. Certainly feel free to let us know what you think re: scheduling.
But I think the case studies Lisa mentions in her article are good examples…companies that make it “ok” not to attend late dinners, or early breakfasts. I told someone I’d schedule a meeting “first thing” the other day, and threw out 10am…he said “First thing is 7am”. Um, yikes.
It’s all about the boundaries. Because from prior positions, I know that saying yes to a lot of those late-night dinners can put you in positions you don’t want to be in–far beyond the boundaries you’ve set. I watched people dig themselves into holes professionally (and personally). And it goes back to the thoughts of one of our panelists, who mentioned how her “corporate priorities” had changed; how what once motivated her, no longer would. I think a lot of working moms (me, for instance) would forgo that fabulously expensive dinner and fourth glass of wine at 11pm to be comfortably ensconsed watching tv with children happily slumbering in the next room…knowing you’ve had a good dinner (or heated some leftovers) and heard of their exploits and travails before kissing them goodnight.
It’s about the family time. It’s about the boundaries. And, I think, about prioritizing…saying no to things that don’t matter so if, for instance, some one-of-a-kind amazing event comes up that could change the way you chart your career…you can say yes!