I’m an expert
That was just to grab your attention. I’m NOT an expert. Let me be clear. And that’s been made abundantly obvious to me over the last couple days…
This all started with my GREAT trip to Richmond, a couple of weekends ago. The fine ladies of Mom-entum Resources (Whitney and Tanya) had invited me down to speak at an event that they were a part of, a fundraiser for the Children’s Hospital, in Richmond. Mom-entum is a great organization, working on recruiting and flexibility options for moms (and women in general) and beyond that Tanya and Whitney are just great people. You walk into their office (which is in the back of this whole shop full of little boutiques) and it’s all great colors–pinks and whites and blacks–with gorgeous black and white pictures of their kids on the wall, a great couch to sit down and talk about what you want out of life–it’s so welcoming and wonderful and IMMEDIATELY upon entering I thought to myself GOSH, if I had a place like this to come to work every day I would be so happy.
Though as an aside sometimes I think that if I had such a gorgeous place the leaving of the three princesses might prove too easy. When I slog out now I’m always happy to come back home. But one of my dearest friends works in Boston and has this gorgeous office from which she can see everything and whenever I see her I think hmm, if this is where I was coming each day, maybe I’d never want to stay home…That’s a bit how I felt with Tanya and Whitney because of the great comfort of the surroundings AND the warmth and comfort they exude the second you meet them. I’d gone down to do this talk as the lead-off to a night of shopping to benefit the hospital, and the talk was basically supposed to focus on my experiences, and what I’d seen and done to get me to beginning of Detours and OnRamps, and also touch on the people and experiences I’d seen along the way.
So I told my story being clear that I wasn’t there to tell anyone how to balance anything. Because I told them from the beginning I have no sense of balance. I am blogging at 9:56 pm b/c I’m on my laptop every night doing work. I’m constantly going. I had 30 minutes tonight when the kids wanted to be pushed in swings and I was pulling dandelions out of my garden. Why couldn’t I just push them? I don’t know. I’m trying so hard to get better, to be “present” for my kids, but as this conference gets closer and there’s so much to do it’s so hard to fit it all in!!
I told, though, of how I stayed too long at the job I had before I had kids–I stayed there because I figured it would give me the flexibility I needed when I did have my baby, but should have followed my dad’s advice of “Better to leave too early than too late” or even “Don’t let the door hit you in the ___ on the way out”. Because it did; I came back from maternity leave to find myself summarily moved to a moldy office 9 floors form my staff, basically drummed out, because my boss wanted a consulting gig. I told everyone how I felt at that point so trapped; I can so very clearly remember sitting at my kitchen table thinking oh my GOD. This isn’t right. I can’t keep doing this. But I can’t go anywhere because I simply can’t leave this 2 month old baby 60 hours a week in someone else’s care.
I left, and I started consulting, and a couple years later I started this forum and part of it is the never, ever wanting anyone to feel that “trapped” that I felt. And wanting everyone to have that sense of network and support that comes from knowing you’re not in it alone. That when it’s just you and that little 2 month old baby and you’re listening to the same kids songs or coming down at 4 am and putting on Enya or Hootie and the Blowfish b/c it’s the only thing that will make your baby sleep for a little bit–that’s not forever. Being in a job you don’t love isn’t forever either. It’s for now, maybe.
I was talking about how when I had my oldest, I sat on my couch–in fact, where I’m sitting right now, writing this–and I cried about how much I loved her and I thought “I would do anything for this kid. Anything”. And then you realize that sometimes anything means not getting ahead, or what you deserve, at work–because “You’re on a flexible schedule…” (so forget that you work 60 hours–it’s not 60 hours in the office).
And I know that I’m not really an expert because I can see all of this and I can live all of this but I still cry when I think of what I can and do sacrifice for my girls. I cried when I talked to this group of women, who were all listening to my story (and some even taking notes!) and I cry now whenever I think too hard about how much I love these girls.And I feel like a failure when Princess One’s dance teacher says she wasn’t listening in class, because I know that’s my fault–because I’m stressed, and it’s rubbing off on her–and if I was better at that elusive balance maybe it wouldn’t be like this. Or when I get angry at such stupid things.
So I’m so, so, not the expert. And I feel like a bit of a fraud, even, that I was up talking about my own “success”. But one of the women who was there emailed me after to say that she got a lot out of my talk; that she was remembering to herself “This isn’t forever”, and knowing that she’s not trapped. So, I hope I helped her. I know it helps me to have every single (well, almost every) conversation I have as a part of putting this event together.
And sometimes you just have to push on and that’s a little of what we all do, right? And not let yourself feel like a failure even when you know you are failing, a little.
This afternoon I was saying to my sister how I felt bad, even, when Princess One came out of dance looking a bit bedraggled because her hair was a disaster (as usual) and she was wearing her tiara, and a slightly dirty leotard, and a tutu that emphasized her chubbiness, and mis-matched socks. All the other ballerinas were of course dressed to the nines. And Erin (my sister) said to me “You’re ridiculous. She always feels pretty”. And said to Princess One “Do you feel pretty?” And Princess one said with great thoughtfulness and quite deliberately “YES.”
She’s so self confident and fine. I wish I was! But glad she is.