So last week I had this awful week with a thousand fire drills and calamities (none of which were really serious but all of which caused elevated levels of stress).And things built and built including my yelling and the kids’ level of irritation and irritating-ness. And as I got to Friday I was barely hanging in there and then I ended up having to spend 5 hours of my day simultaneously (a): fixing my computer, (b): fixing my internet connection-separate and distinct issue from point (a); (c): dealing with a lack of brochures at a warehouse that I had no responsibility for but 100% of the blame – and all this while watching the kids. Or parenting them, or guiding them, or whatever.
I stood in the middle of my kitchen and thought “Something’s gotta give! I can’t do all of this stuff anymore…kids, “day job”, conferences, etc”. Problem is that what I like the most pays the least and in fact the liking and the paying are in inverse proportion (ie I like my kids the most-at least in theory-and so far they’ve been worth NOTHING monetarily despite my efforts to land them lucrative baby modeling gigs).
Then I plunked them in front of Mary Poppins and felt bad about my parenting and decided to deal with my other problems one at a time. Which I did. So I did feel bad about the yelling and the tv-watching but also congratulated myself that in a hellacious week I managed to hold off drinking at noon, which I think is a mark of good parenting. I think.
Then, we did some random stuff over the weekend including a corporate picnic for my husband’s company, who when they say they are family friendly, MEAN IT since everyone was able to bring kids to a first-class event with bounce houses, cotton candy, events, and more. Two things happened. One, a twin yelled in the car the whole way which wasn’t that sweet but my husband lost his cool (which he never does. He RARELY yells at them. Because he only has to put up with their nonsense for an hour or so during the week so when I’m on my last nerve end of the day and they’re running around like naked wild Indians, refusing to get in the bath, asking for milk, fighting over toothbrushes, etc-at that point more often then not I yell and then I feel bad and then in a superior tone he’s been KNOWN to say “You have to control yourself” at which point I get mad at him instead of them). Anyway, THAT guy yelled at them and though that wasn’t that fun, I did take the opportunity to say “See? THAT’S how I feel end of day sometimes and why I yell!” And for the first time I think he actually DID see.
On a better note, between the 500 and 501 run down the blow-up-jump-house slide by my kids, I was watching them and thinking “Why?” As in why did I let myself get so carried away? Why did THEY give and get put last when I was prioritizing things and why on earth am I making myself so nuts over silly things? Why did I choose to spend the bulk of my time with them and then spend said time grumpy? I think that from time to time you have to assess and prioritize, I guess. And I think for anyone that’s looking for balance–of career and kids–it’s especially tough because it’s difficult to be fully present and successful in each. And none of us are very good at letting ourselves do “the best I can” without feeling like it’s really not the best. I know that I have to keep working on it because I feel terrible when I’m the yelling person.
I know that I do because I yelled AGAIN today (Geez, didn’t I learn from my own weekend revelation?) I guess I also have to be better at letting things go? How? If you’ve got some good ideas on cutting yourself some slack…I’m all ears.