As mentioned in my last post, I’m trying to blog more often – more reflections, perhaps less “lessons”.
Also mentioned was my two week sojourn in lovely Overlook Hospital which, not for nothing, IS a nice hospital and I have nothing but wonderful things to say about, especially, the nurses who made our rough time far better.
So two weeks in the hospital isn’t anyone’s idea of a good time. But I must admit to a silver lining in this black cloud – it was me and my newly appendix-free daughter in a room where we could read and talk and watch shows and chill but not be distracted. I brought my laptop briefly but I couldn’t work; I had my iPhone to email but I didn’t all day – and it was freeing to just ignore life as I focused on my sweet 5 year old who was still wearing her pain on her face.
I am lucky I wasn’t working and could focus on her; she refused to talk with the residents or even acknowledge, in certain cases, that they were talking to HER. I described her pain, I changed her bedpans; I got fluids in her and walked her down the hall. She’s 5, I’m her mom, I felt like that was my job. And I just blocked out the rest of life.
And that was sort of refreshing. Less so for my almost-four-twins, poor things, who we gave two sticks and a bandana with a teddy bear in it to, and dropped off at the station to hit the rails, traveling vagabond style.
I am kidding of course but not by much. We now are talking with positivity about their “Adventures” (said sing-song like) but poor sweet girls, they got dropped at our family’s lake house for 2 nights with my wonderful uncle who they sort of knew (and know well now!) and his dogs – they aren’t dog fans. I rowed away as they held hands and waved goodbye. They came home for a night with daddy and then went off on another “La la la ADVENTURE” with my brother, THEIR uncle, who they adore – a great weekend visit but of course they missed Mommy and even called their sister to tell her how much they missed her, in their convoluted way (We also heard about the dogs…”There is a black dog here who licks ourselves each time he sees ourselves!”.
Note misadventure here – dear teddies and tiger were left in Connecticut, so the hobos were now absent their comforts! And their travels continued…Another great-aunt. A dear friend. Another night with daddy. Holding hands, these sweet girls went through it all and sure, in one of their hospital visits one smacked the other with a box as the box-smackee threw a puzzle right back but let’s be clear: they were SICK of each other and who could expect anything less? Point is thank God they were twins so they had each other and thank God for my family and friends who I counted on (up to and including an old friend who smuggled Cabernet into the hospital like a prohibition-era pro!)
So I quasi-ignored the “other” children and totally ignored life and I focused on this little appendix-less 5 year old to get her better over two weeks. And then, we came home.
All the children were mine again and were so needy (of course). The lack of the appendix has made my oldest seem all the older and much more in need of love and help; she’s still not quite herself. The twins need me more than ever. And for a week I closed my eyes and didn’t even want to think of work. And I read trashy books and thought how easy it would be to ignore the world FOREVER.
Moral coming? I’m not sure.
Yesterday I buckled down and did a bunch of stuff; today I did some more. The children still chased me as I found closets to hide in for conference calls but as LITTLE as I wanted to get started I felt better and better the more I did. That’s something?
I also got a note from my sister in reaction to my last blog telling me that I should stop letting my “job” define me and my importance. Let me clarify that many of my prior jobs constantly reaffirmed to me in word and action that I was not important (a for instance: my old boss had me fly to Boston in case she needed me in a planning board meeting and then had me sit in her office for the entire day “just in case”. I flew home at the end of the day, having done nothing. Oh, so important).
So I don’t know if the jobs made me feel IMPORTANT but there was a sense of structure (and a sense of being paid!) And that is the struggle I’m dealing with now. So more to come.
But Princess-No-Appendix and I looked at each other that last day o’ the hospital and said “I don’t want to go” “I don’t want to go” – for the escape from life and pressure (and for her, because of the Wii). I just need to get to a life that I enjoy as much as the “life” of the hospital – 6 am wakeups (6:05, 6:10, 6:15, and on – “How’s the patient???” said with sunny Resident cheeriness), vending machine food, and all. That shouldn’t be so hard. Right?
