I’m not talking about this in the sense of the guy who keeps telling everyone his social security number.
Of late, I’ve been involved in a number of conversations that all surround what I know is my hardest hurdle: who am I when I am not working if I’m not just Mommy (or Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy Mommy uttered incessantly and unceasingly 24-7 without a single “Daddy” interruption, always at various volumes but typically loud enough to wake the neighbors and their dogs).
A Detours alum emailed me asking for ideas about how to handle this loss of identity when you used to think of yourself as someone in a company and someone at home. I was giving it lots of thought, and spent the weekend talking to the mom of a friend, who retired 8 years ago – she said, the hardest part for her was not having anywhere to get dressed up to go. That made her feel less of herself. And that less of yourself is what so quickly develops into a loss of self confidence in general and completely.
That’s been the hardest struggle for me – I feel the same, why shouldn’t I pull on the same old jeans or whatever? Why bother with makeup? The problem is this slippery slope quickly leads to “Why waste money cutting my hair?” and not one month ago an intervention was called so I could cut off my WAY too long hippie-style ponytail!
It’s strange and hard to explain, why we tie ourselves to our jobs – even jobs we don’t like. When I was working at my last spot, I thought of myself as a mom first and then a marketing director. I worked full time (but with telecommuting option) but never considered myself a full time worker – in fact, considered the job a stopping point (a four year stopping point but) – never part of my career. Thus, it was all very up in the air and I could take from it what I wanted without letting that be my definition. I resisted getting business cards, because I didn’t consider it a “career job” and didn’t WANT to identify myself there – but it was almost as if by looking down on the job, I could identify myself and my place in the world (as someone who was “x”, but just doing this job for now – and if it wasn’t quite up to my level, well so be it – because I was only doing “for now”).
My sister advised me the other day that this ongoing identity crisis is because it’s my ego, wanting a title and the definition. Let me be clear that any ego I had was left at the door so long ago. I took so much cr*p in order to keep a job that gave me that telecommuting option – for instance, I once flew out on a 2 day 2 night trip to California to supervise a photo shoot at the Ritz (I know, this doesn’t sound THAT crappy) but was told to be sure to stay in my room and not join anyone for dinner because they didn’t want anyone to know I was there. (Right, it was a room at the RITZ! but it still was sort of insulting to basically be told to wear a bag over my head while in public). My office? Summarily pulled one day, no reason, and I instead got what used to be a closet re-made into an office; there wasn’t an outlet for my computer so (I’m not lying) a cord was draped across the doorway and plugged in via extension cord outside the door. I tripped ALL the time.
As an aside this isn’t even my WORST office! At my prior identity-sucking job I was moved down to an office that had been closed and locked because of mold infestation – not after it was cleaned, no, merely because it was the only one there so the mold and I hung on the 4th floor while my staff was on 11!
Ego? I gave it up. I knew that a lot of what I was doing, I did because I liked the work – and I liked any chance at flexibility to be with my kids, because they were a priority. It wasn’t about some title – because I never had what I felt I deserved, in part because my kids WERE the priority. So then why is it so very difficult to be defined as a mom – when I didn’t want to be defined by the job that I had?
Ironically, one year post leaving the last “real” job I had, I am getting calls at a rate of 2-3 a day because they are involved in planning for a business conference that I planned with a staff of 1/2 (ie, me and 1/2 a person – I had her part-time). Ego? I was doing mail merges and stapling agendas, stuffing packages of information and checking names on registration spreadsheets while having conference calls with Senators and football players who were speaking (I mean that last part was actually sweet and ego-gratifying). So now there’s a staff of 15+ inside and outside all working on this event and these calls should make me feel good as they beg for advice or talk about the mistakes being made.
But I don’t care that much. The job’s behind me and the identity piece of it is gone. I’m not bitter about being gone (thank goodness since the HR director from there, in an ironic twist of fate, is the class mother for my kindergartener and I see her quite a bit!!) Shouldn’t it make me feel good that – at least in retrospect – it was recognized what a great job I did? I don’t know but I guess it’s what have I done lately? And whatever it is – that “lately” – got in good shape, planned these events, was a good mom, (I think), started a consulting biz – still makes me constantly question that identity.
I am so interested in hearing from others that are dealing with this at any stage. I want to hear what works and what doesn’t to make you get your confidence back and to make you not question your choices or what you’re doing.
