For the purposes of this blog I will call her by her nickname, Roo, given to her at age 1 week because she wanted to be in my pocket all the time, even so young. The Roo is a super-thoughtful child, a “deep thinker”. She plays really, really well by herself. She makes up cute little games; she loves things smaller than herself…babies, animals, and the like, and shows a huge degree of caring for them. When given the “appropriate” amount of attention (meaning, 100% all the time) she is a perfect child.

OH! Also, she has to be fed constantly. She basically has negative body fat and a metabolism that is the envy of any dieter, so like a gremlin,  she needs to be fed every hour or so or else dire consequences result. So I walk around with Special K bars in my purse and random snacks leaking out of pockets.

Anyway, this child, when properly fed, would be just perfect if she was an only child. However, she’s not. She’s one of three, soon to be four, and is a TWIN no less. Thus, the chaos ensues. And it’s been getting worse, and worse!

How, I think, can one four year old bring down an entire working house? It is possible. The meltdowns are insane and began occurring with greater and greater frequency. One sister (the twin) would bend over backwards to do whatever she needed, to the point of ridiculousness. The other (the big sister) went out of her way to push buttons. My husband, with a zero tolerance policy, would put her in time out for 30 minutes, 45 minutes at a time. We all waited for not IF the next meltdown would occur, but just when would it – what would set her off? Someone looking at her funny? Someone mentioning her name when teasing someone else? Her twin waking up in the morning and not waking HER up – or, the very next day, her twin waking up in the morning and waking her up. She was unpredictable in cause but always predictably able to blow up at any given moment.

I found myself exhausted and bordering on full depression. It was literally like walking around on eggshells, constantly bending over backwards to try to make her smooth out or not scream. And everything started to spiral. I was so exhausted I could barely keep up with my work and even worse, could barely keep up with my summer reading (trash books) and summer shows (equally trashy).

So I started working on my own plan, that wasn’t extended timeouts (that didn’t work) or star charts. I was encouraged that in moments of lucidity – ie, not in the midst of a breakdown – the Roo would spout out things that I’d said…”Mommy, that isn’t worth crying about, it’s not the end of the world”. “Mommy, [big sister] should know that when we tease her it’s because we love her”. I knew she was listening, at least. I started trying to just calm her down before full-blown freak happened. And, I got her two coloring books that were hers alone, and her own markers, for quiet time. (IE, the “magical place” where she could be an only child). The second she started getting into it with her sisters or anyone, I pulled her aside without her being in trouble and got her coloring. That time on her own really started to help.

Ok, so two weeks of this, still fairly exhausted. Still walking on eggshells. But we’re at her birthday party bbq with lots of people and she came up to me, on her own, and said “I think next time I should bring my coloring book for quiet time”. She recognized she needed it – before a breakdown. So I just held her hand and she stayed with me for a bit and got away from all the people. And was much better.

I felt like it was such a giant step forward. Go through another week, and I realized there were entire days that she didn’t have any freakouts. That one day when she did, and I scolded her, she actually CARED that I scolded her and pulled it together instead of just screaming for an hour till I gave in.

So here I am, having been moderately successful at professional things – feeling cautiously optimistic about this little Roo finally not being the straw that brings this family down. My uncle, a child psychologist, gave me a book about stopping meltdowns, and I started reading it, and I am finding that many of the things I am doing are what the “pro” says to do – that makes me feel good about my instincts. It is crazy to me the impact one small child can have on everyone. And how I can say, and mean, that I am the mother and I am in charge…and yet, so quickly, one small but mighty little kid can take over everything.

Anyway it is eye-opening. Frightening, to think what our house will be with 3 (maybe 4) teenage girls on the loose, some day. And also gratifying to watch her not have her freakouts, and sing her songs, and let the sweeter side of her personality out.

And right now I’m off to stem a meltdown in the making.

For things here have gone nuts. I remember reading (or maybe watching) a story about a woman who had started a cookie business in her house and when it was time for her to bake, she’d hang a cookie-jar-of-construction-paper sign on the kitchen door to let the family know it was baking time and she was not to be disturbed. Then she’d bake and, shockingly, HER CHILDREN DIDN’T DISTURB HER.

Let’s take a reality check of what would happen at my house. My children would not disturb me for 3.4 seconds. Then all three of them, even if previously gainfully and calmly employed in playtime activities, would launch themselves into the kitchen. One would fall on the floor and immediately begin kicking and screaming (any one, though likely smallest twin) and the others would stick parts of themselves (faces, hands, etc) into the cookie batter rendering it unfit for sale even after high-temperature baking. And they’d start yelling about wanting to stir and crack eggs and the like; when we make cookies now, for our family, the 5 minute process has to be split into maybe 5,608 steps so that everyone can feel included and it takes seven hours. Though no one seems to care about being included in the “clean up” step.

Ok, so that would be if I ran a cookie business. Which I do not. Instead I do marketing consulting (and Detours) from home. My tasks: writing on the computer, emailing, and of late, many conference calls. NONE of these items are interesting to my children. So you would think they could involve themselves in any one of myriad activities around my house – toys, games, blah blah blah. But the only time they can be reliably counted upon to play by themselves and not fight is about 7:55 at night, when they’ll enter into an enriching and fulfilling game RIGHT before we have to stop them to go to bed.

So what happens? Inevitably I get on a conference call (and let’s back up a second to say that half the time these are rescheduled or postponed with a minute lead time so if I’ve gotten them occupied with a show or something, then I have to let them watch it – because they don’t relate to me turning off the tv and saying “We’ll reschedule your show for my call”.) And they begin to yell. I have a phone with a mute button THANK GOD because otherwise clients and customers far and wide would hear “Mommy wipe my bottom” not once not twice but THREE times per call; my children’s bathroom habits seemed tied directly to the phone in some obscure way. I mute and wipe, I mute and carry yellers down to the basement playroom and slam the door – and lately, I have to mute and carry my computer, notebook, phone, and pregnant belly up the stairs to my room – where I lock the door – and then go into my closet – close the door – and carry on the business that allows me to work from home. Surrounded by smelly sneakers, my husband’s pajama bottoms discarded on the closet floor, etc. GLAMOUR.

Yesterday, sitting in my closet abode like a troll or a hobbit or something, I was blabbing away (after listening to my children fight and fight and fight all afternoon) with the doors securely locked and I heard them knocking. Knocking. Knocking. No one was SCREAMING, just the knocking (I already told them that the next time someone screamed outside my door, it better be because a body part had fallen off) and I ignored it. It eventually stopped. I finished my call, and came out…and they were all calmly not fighting and playing in a bedroom, all on their own, peacefully and happily. I think it was less because I had let them hash it out and more because they sensed the call had come to an end. I was done working. So then why not be quiet and play?

Here are the other bits of advice I have gotten from other working moms:

One, my accountant friend, went through such a crunch at tax time that her children became absolutely fluent in Spanish. Dora related, sure, but come on! It’s another language!

My other marketing friend has taken plenty a call from her Toyota Sienna. If Toyota’s current safety problems persist, they may want to go with the “It’s a soundproof office in your driveway” approach.

And then there is the old cop-out: hire a babysitter.

The thing is, when my sitter is here, INEVITABLY there are no calls to make or receive. And I end up saying what am I paying for here? I beg my children (they don’t ever remember their side of the bribe); I threaten them (“Mommy will have to go work in an office!”) – they don’t care. So I guess I’ll just continue as I am. In the fall they’ll all be in school for part of the time, so that will help. I’ll have a new baby – but surely he/she will know not to cry during calls?

I was ready to begin doing what I loved and what I am passionate about.  So 2009 was my chance to begin this path.  A path I did not have time to start while working practically full time, 32 hours a week, balancing a family, friends, volunteer work, and having a husband in school full time, who also worked part-time.  So last summer, I began career coaching and working with Meghan on the Detours events.

As time freed up from D&O this winter I began determining my business name and logo and hired a designer to help me with my website, which is still under construction.  The name has been picked and the logo designed.  I love them both.  But then I kept hearing about “personal branding”.  I kept saying, hum, “I wonder if I need this for my coaching business?”  I decided to hear more about it and attended a workshop given by Randi Bussin, who will be a keynote speaker at the May Detours event.  As part of this workshop I was entitled to go through an assessment process.  This process includes requesting feedback about how I am perceived, strengths, weaknesses, attributes, and skills by people close to me, who know me well, and from various places in my past and present life.

The assessment kicked off about a week ago and it has been a humbling experience in various ways.  The goal of the assessment is to come away with what my perceived brand is from others as compared to how I view myself.  If it matches great.  If it doesn’t then I probably need to fix some things.  The assessment is anonymous so I do not know who responded or what their specific responses are but I can review the data as a whole through out the gathering process.  Although not all the data is in yet and I am not yet ready to have my 25 page branding report produced, I have been reviewing the results.

At times I think wow, that is so great that someone looks at me so positively.  At other times, I view the data and say “oh my gosh am I that bad of a person.”  The weaknesses always seem to get our most attention, don’t they?  I need to remind myself that when really compared to the positive comments and feedback, the weaknesses are not many and aren’t anything I don’t already know about myself and are already, or constantly, working on.  But I want to know them and contain them.

I see this enlightenment as an amazing opportunity and am thankful for my friends, family, and colleagues for participating in this exercise.  I am looking forward to obtaining my customized 25 page personal branding report to see what “my brand” is.  I look forward to defining my brand, rollling out my website, business cards and such this spring.

If you ever wondered what “personal branding” was go check out our keynote speaker’s site or come on May 4th and hear from her yourself.  Randi is one of many special and talented women who will share a piece of themselves and their knowledge with you.  I look forward to meeting you there.

-  Lisa
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

Meghan has asked me to blog a few times for “the audience”, but I have been reluctant because I have felt that I did not have anything to share. I never want to write just for the sake of writing. But about a week ago I realized I do have some stories and insights to share.

Before getting into those stories, background:  I am similar to many of you. I have had my stint in the corporate world, had kids, and felt the need to change things up with my career. My corporate background began in human resources, moved into training and development for human resource systems vendors, then to sales engineering still in the HR software world at Lawson Software, then eventually into internet business development at Lycos and most recently Monster.com.

While I was at Lycos I had my first of two boys and after being laid off, I needed to determine next steps for work or a new career. I struggled about going back full time, knowing that my husband and I would try to have another child within 3 years, God willing. So I did various part time jobs and had a wonderful mother-in-law that was willing to watch David while I worked a few hours a week. Then I moved onto a working from home gig, 20 hours a week. Shortly after starting this job, I became pregnant with my second, Drew. So I did this part time gig for the next year or two. When Drew was a year old and David was three my husband I decided it was time for me to head back to my profession and to be earning something more substantial than what these part time roles were paying. We were planning on my husband going to back to finish his master’s degree full time within a year and we needed to be prepared financially.

So I headed back to work, fours days a week and having fun with it. It was a great role in a great company with wonderful people. Then again, life threw us some changes and I decided to depart Monster.com to be home with my boys after my husband finished his degree. We made it through two long stressful years of juggling two jobs, a family, and an intense masters degree program in theology, not a light subject. I and the kids needed to be spending more time together so my husband and I agreed it was time for me to get out of “corporate”.

I began a new career path in what I feel is my calling, to help others in their search for work that first, works with their lives and secondly, is something they are passionate about. Since my transition out of “corporate” in July, I have had many interesting insights and stories. One to share with you next time. Until then enjoy life, today, and thank you for letting me introduce myself to you.

- Lisa “A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.”

We do grow older and wiser (and maybe more tolerant of dino-based diets) but this article about bosses and role models also made me think, when paired with a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend who is considering mommy-hood and wondering about its effect on her career. She is at the crossroads of “Do I stay at my job for the benefits or look now before I have a child?” I remember staying at a job I should have left. SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I knew that since I’d worked for my boss, a woman, loyally and kept everything in the department afloat for 3 1/2 years, that I’d have some freedom after having a baby – perhaps I could telecommute a couple of days. I knew where I stood.

Until I came back and found out where I stood was in quicksand. Without kids I was a loyal employee who stayed all night cleaning up messes and shouldering all the work. With me gone on 8 weeks of maternity leave, the emperor was exposed without clothes – and the productivity of the department came crashing down. I came back to fix messes, and messes there were – and long story short, the job I’d loved turned into a nightmare (an earlier post included the gory details; friends who lived through it, with me, laughed at the post and thought maybe I shouldn’t have it “out there”, in cyberspace…so catch me over a glass of wine and I can fill you in if you’re interested!)

The lessons I learned were 1, never to count on a job that’s not in writing, or flexibility that’s not guaranteed…even if you’ve seen others enjoy it. But 2, never to feel trapped. Because I did; I remember sitting at my kitchen table crying, thinking, “I want to spend time with this little baby I have, but how can I get a job that will let me do that?” I thought I had no options…until I quit, and consulted, and options came along. And 3, make a plan for a career that is shifting and changing and takes into account the shifts and changes of life. That’s what I’m trying to advise my friend…to do what’s right for her and let the career pieces fall…because as awful as the last days of that bad job were, thank goodness I got kicked in the tush and the door hit me on the way out, because otherwise I might have stayed and sacrificed my life and ethics for a place that wasn’t worth it. I think to a later job, that I threw out there “I can travel a ton! I can be your go-to girl!” AGAIN, thank goodness it didn’t work; I’ve watched my girls grow up (fueled by dino chicken) and for me, this is the right choice.

Our family’s fallen victim to the times in that my husband is job hunting and as anyone, I’m sure, who has had a husband who’s job hunting can confirm, this does not make for lots of rip-roaring good times. It’s ups and downs of waiting for calls, slugging to interviews, waiting for callbacks, in a hiring atmosphere that is “crowded”, to say the least.

And job hunting for men is so different than for women. There’s so much ego built into it; I think there’s a measure of wanting to be able to provide (although luckily we planned ahead and we’re trying not to spend money we don’t have, unlike oh, I don’t know, the federal government – but this is not meant to be political!)

I’m trying so hard to not put a lot on his plate like extra child care, etc – and as a result there’s so much on mine between working and watching kids and keeping them happy. I’m not alone – I know – so many of you are in the same boat.

Then came the incessant floods of last weekend’s crazy rain. Luckily, for our convenience, our basement didn’t wait till the rains to flood – it gave a preemptory shot across our bow by flooding the weekend before, due to a broken valve or something on our battery back up (that never engaged but nonetheless is being blamed, by the plumbers, as the root of the problem – solely, I believe, because it is the one way they can get out of the blame). I went downstairs and found big wet spots under the carpet and was mystified until I opened the storage room to find 5 inches of water. So in came the water remediation people, out came the carpet and the padding and the toys and the computer and shockingly (and mysteriously) huge sections of the sheet-rock wall, which were perfectly dry. So now our great finished basement was a concrete hole of coldness. Not for nothing this is the spot where the children were exiled to play and where the beast was exiled to job hunt.

So then the odyssey of fixing it up began and we put in carpet as fast as we could to make it usable and then, last weekend’s rains came. I know I am so selfish. I thought of the poor people in Chile, and in Haiti, dealing with so much worse than I am. I thought of that as I prayed that we not lose power, so the sump pump would keep working and not flood the basement and the 1-day old carpeting, again. I thought of how selfish I felt as I saw the houses around me with water literally up to their first-floor windows; a kid in my twins’ pre-k even had to leave his home in a boat. Nevertheless, I also thought of how they say that God only gives you as much as you can handle, at any given time. So I thought to myself that God must be thinking “She simply cannot handle a flooded basement for the second time in a week”.

We made it through the floods, and I keep making it through these “dark days” one by one. And here’s two things making it easier. One, it’s finally sunny–it’s gorgeous, my kids are walking around in sandals, one claims to be moving outside…

And two, last night as I sat down with my list of to-do’s, in bed, I found sandwiched in between a couple a note from my 6 year old that said “Emma loves Mommy” with 5 exclamations. Sometimes it helps to know someone does.

I’m not saying anything new here to point out that everyone, in an age of layoffs, is working much harder. So perhaps on the side you want to start an endeavor that “feeds your soul”. Or perhaps you want to have dinner with your kids and then do 2 hours of work after they’re in bed. If at the end of the day, you are productive, I don’t understand why the economy affects that-because jobs are so few and far between that we should all be happy to have what we have? I really don’t think we’re back at that yet, are we? And are companies so short sighted that they are willing to wring what they can out of people for short term gain?

There are so many people that I meet through the course of Detours&OnRamps who don’t look for new jobs, and stay where they are (perhaps making less) because a company bent over backwards for them when they came back after a maternity leave. Or even because a company met them halfway. You know someone in that situation-perhaps you ARE someone in that situation. Loyalty seems to me to be what companies should strive for? And how many companies can say that a little bit of flexibility yields a LOT of loyalty-and productivity-in return? I’d venture to say ANY company that employs flexibility could say that.

Here’s a great article I just read…and my favorite line from it, is “It will be tough to convince very good people to work for organizations that do not allow flexible work”. Because what is flexible? I don’t think a lot of folks these days are looking for the opportunity to be paid full-time for 8-12 hours of work. The women (and it’s largely women, but men too) that I talk to day-to-day for Detours are working a lot more than 40 hours (and I’m not including all the work of raising kids). In fact, I remember recently sitting at a meeting with a consulting client. They asked how much I wanted to work, and I looked back over recent weeks and (shockingly, even to myself) realized that I’d been working about 65 hours a week (including time after kids were in bed, weekends, etc). I was on my computer ALL DAY for Detours projects, marketing consulting work, this and that. I don’t feel like I am working that much, except for the days that I TOTALLY do. But the point is there’s some flexibility and I make it work-and the productivity is there.

I think another interesting thing in this article is the point that a lot of people hold multiple jobs. I remember the woman that worked for me at my last “real gig” made about $1500 a month selling Arbonne–on top of her Marketing Manager job. My cousin makes if not half, at least a third of her income freelancing art projects on the side. Two examples and I know there’s so many more. (And if playing Rock Band was a job, my husband would have that front and center on his resume). It’s either supplementing a salary, a chance to do what you love, or whatever reason-but points to the fact that companies in some fashion have to adapt-regardless of a bad economy, you can’t “unring the bell” after people get used to doing things on the side (that aren’t a conflict), etc.

Speaking of unring the bell-when the gas prices were so high and companies were encouraging more folks to work from home, and it totally worked, than why would a “bad economy” make telecommuting less viable? I just think it is so old-school-thinking to automatically equate “work from home” with “slacking off”. Telecommuting is completely doable for almost every job. So why such a struggle to make it happen?

At the end of the day this article at least made me feel that there were some other people thinking the same way-and hopefully, even the bad (but improving??) economy won’t negate all the progress we’ve made with work-life balance.

This is because all three of my kids have been holed up with me (also my looking-for-work husband but that’s another post altogether). They are bored; the twins have practically turned into hobbits or gnomes or something from spending so much time in the basement. School keeps being cancelled; I mean, it’s not as bad as DC, where my friend’s daughters have been out for like 3 weeks. My oldest and I are in the middle of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “The Long Winter” and I GUESS it’s not that bad as we’re not grinding wheat to eat, nor is my husband following a clothesline to feed the cattle (my oldest laughingly told him to do the chores, feed the cows the other day, and he just walked by on his way to ignore the driveway shoveling).

I really, really, really have never wanted more to be on a beach, even for 2 days. One nice thing about having a real job was the corporate travel – the 2-day trip to California, made worth it by the two NIGHTS in the Four Seasons…these days, sweet heaven is a 15 minute escape by myself to Dunkin.

But trying to keep the kids going, I suggested a tea party for a couple of my oldest’s kindergarten buddies; they dropped by yesterday, and it was “great success”. Hot chocolate, chocolate fondue, sugar cookies (sidenote, my 4 year old twins were flying high on sugar rushes an hour later, weird) and they made necklaces with $6 worth of beads, then went downstairs and put on all the princess dresses. Perfect afternoon.

And one of her friend’s moms, who’d stayed for a cup of tea, told me “You are such a good mom, I think. You look like Martha Stewart”.

When’s the last time you got that positive reinforcement? I don’t feel like a good mom a lot. I yell (I believe I’ve mentioned). I work alot, don’t always drop what I’m doing to play, I’m constantly hollering about the cleaning. BUT, I did choose to spend this time with them and I am happy every day about something.And yesterday, it was hearing that from someone else.

I read this great article, today, that reinforced it.  And I don’t know, these days, if this road is less traveled…but at least for me it’s making a difference.

But our house is light on 2-month olds (though currently heavy on coughers and sneezers); my twins are now 41/2, and beyond one recent episode at my brothers’ when they woke up at 4am and insisted it was morning, everyone sleeps through the night. In fact, they sleep so well, that episode stood out for its weirdness–they were chirping away in the guest room and I literally didn’t know how to convince them it was NOT morning, aside from pointing out the no-light, since they hadn’t woken up before morning in so long.

I have so many friends whose kids are up and rarin’ to go at 6am; I’m blessed with good sleepers…the twins are usually in bed till 7:30 and my oldest had to be dragged out of bed the other day at 9:30am. Granted it was after a late night but still, I’m usually able to get a good night’s sleep, even when I go to bed, habitually, at 11 or during whatever part of The Daily Show that I tune out to.

Yet of late I have been waking up at 4am.  I wander around. I go sleep in the guest room. Or not sleep in the guest room. And I worry.I worry about weird things that in the light of day do not seem as troublesome, or at least seem manageable. But at 4am they go through my head in a non-stop rush and I can’t stop them. What if all my consulting work dries up? What if my job-hunting husband NEVER finds a job and lives in my basement like a caveman forever? I start adding up numbers and dollars and thinking through budgets. Then I firmly say to myself STOP THIS. You can’t do anything about it in the middle of the night.

So then I start in with to-do lists. I have to finish x, I didn’t even start y. Why did I yell at the kids today when I was working so hard on my temper? Why didn’t I complete a, b, or c? I have to do all of these things for this client or for the conference, I have to follow up with him, or her, why didn’t I ever hear back from this person or that person? I found that if I start making a list, sometimes some of the things go away. But new things take their place.

I am totally not a grudge-holding person, at least not for most people, but what “takes the place” of those to-dos is a review of past grievances (like Festivus on Seinfeld). I rehash old fights or issues or things that made me crazy and then at 4:30 or 5:15 or whatever time it has gotten to I fruitlessly get mad all over again. And then get mad that I’m mad and even madder that I’m not sleeping.

Here’s what I’ve been told to do–read a boring book. Great, I don’t have any, there’s no light bulb in the lamp in the guest room and I never remember that till it’s 5:30 am at which point I don’t feel like traipsing around downstairs to find one. Watch a boring show to tune out. That’s easier than it used to be in that the guest room tv now doesn’t get cable so it’s informercials or early, early, early editions of whatever the “Today” show is at that point, but it doesn’t help me sleep boring or not. I’ve been trying to think of positive things but nothing comes to mind at 5:45.

Because that’s the point. The “worries”, in real life or real time, aren’t as bad–or at least, I can do something about them. They’re blown out of proportion in the middle of the night. Even if I know that, though, I’m up fretting away. And listening to the fish tank in one kid’s room, the heating system rattle away, and my own fears.

What keeps you up at night? And what do you do about it?

Funnier when he said it (which is why he is a stand up comedian though to be honest I think I am funnier than the woman who followed him on stage, who will remain nameless) but really, funny because how true it is in my house. My daughters are OBSESSED with being “fancy” (damn you, Jane O’Connor and Fancy Nancy) so much so that they wear ONLY dresses, at all times, and tiaras whenever possible.

I on the other hand, ESPECIALLY since beginning my work-at-home phase, am beginning to find even myself a disappointment. But it seems so absurd to put on anything beyond comfy pants (I mean at this point I even try to avoid jeans if possible) to sit around with my girls. I remember the advice of one professional work-from-homer who said she made a point of putting on panty hose every day that she was working. Let’s be honest, I don’t put on  panty hose if I’m actually going out somewhere!

Another bit of recent advice was to, at a minimum, put on earrings. That jewelry made the difference.

I have been trying here and there (if for no other reason than that I should wear my 2 4-year-old cashmere sweaters before the moths eat them entirely). I have been putting on mascara every day. I’ve tried to mix it up with some jeans. I’ve taken the fact that my husband asked his family to give me pajamas for Christmas so that he didn’t see my 15 year old t-shirts every night to heart, and have been busting out those pajamas instead…soft, cuddly, worthy of being worn every day (and they are).

One of my consulting clients asked me to come into the office for Monday and I am unreasonably excited about the prospect of wearing normal clothes. And, if I am honest with myself, I know that whether it is superficial or not I do feel better if I take the time to slap on a little makeup; I put in earrings the other day to great critical reviews (by my girls) – I suppose it wouldn’t kill me to try a little harder, if only for myself.

What do YOU do to keep yourself feeling human?