I have entered a new phase of my mom – slash – careerdom. I have alluded to my fall layoff from my position as the head of marketing at a  ”family friendly, Working Mother Top 100″ employer, as a result of my 2-day-from-home schedule. Since that layoff, I did some consulting and decided to take the time to figure out exactly what I wanted to do–beyond making Detours a viable, perhaps full-time-career, option.  

An interesting stopping point on this journey came last night as I hauled the girls off to the library for a free (that’s a key word these days, though I find refreshingly not just for my not-working-self but for many in this economy) puppet show. Who did I see across the room but the head of HR from my old company, who lives in my town? While certainly we have a cordial relationship, as I know it was nothing personal, I’d probably have preferred to not be wearing a Target shirt, 10 year old Abercrombie shorts, with my hair scrunched back in a ponytail and only a quick swipe of mascara on, when I saw her. Even better, I realized after I sat down that I had some sort of banana bread batter droppings up my arm, from earlier exploits. No one knew that but me, I don’t think, though. 

Nevertheless I decided that the time has come to dive back into my blogging. The impetus behind this is the stated aim of the blog, to give a perspective on how moms these days balance it all. I know, from talking to different folks at conferences and online, that a surprising number of people take comfort in some of the things I share on this blog, seeing themselves in the stories or their own situations in my relating of the craziness of my everyday.  And I also think it will force me to try to find the funny in some of the not funny.

For I know that no one wants to read of how hard it’s been the last 6 months–how frustrating it is to see things I put in place in my old job succeed without me but because of me. To see how they aren’t even doing half of what I did by myself but they still have jobs. It’s been hard to take consulting jobs that I know aren’t “all I can be”. It’s also a CONSTANT struggle–as in every day, every minute–to look at my girls and know that I absolutely want to be with them all the time. One of them has recently developed the four-year-old talent of drawing people–you know, the people with circles for heads and legs and arms sticking out of those heads? (She’s the only kid ever who does this, right? She’s a prodigy??) Well, she’s now decided to err on the side of realism and has begun adding ears to those people! I don’t want the babysitter to be the one to see that. I want to be with them all the time and ALL THE TIME I am thinking I want to do more. I want to write. I want to “market” (my chosen profession). I want to talk with people and be important, as I felt in my “real jobs”.  Important, not just round-the-clock needed. Then I think how important was that work when they summarily released me and life goes on as usual, there–while my girls need me?

My oldest, two weeks ago, went into the hospital. She had a perforated appendix, at 5. Certainly kids have so many scary illnesses and God Bless you, and your children, if you are dealing with a serious one; I knew (and was repeatedly told) that appendix-outs are THE most common operations for children. But it’s still scary to hear “Mommy, give her a hug and a kiss” as she heads into the operating room; it still made me cry to go into her room to gather the pillows and books and nighties from home to bring to the hospital for her, and think “What if she can’t come back here?” I cry now just thinking of it. I cried as she sat in the ER yelling at me as they put in her second IV “Mommy make them stop it!” because I knew they were helping but I felt bad, that I couldn’t help her. I stayed at the hospital for two full weeks with her, life on hold, thanking God that I was able to do so (work-wise) because she needed me. And my heart goes out to everyone who doesn’t have that choice to make.  

So that was an awful two weeks and yet, I was still able to find moments of humor–such as in that ER on our second pass through when I had not only the “victim” but her twin sisters ALL YELLING at the top of their lungs, on my lap, as both nurses yelled as they all tried to get one IV in. I thought to myself THIS is what is going to send me to a padded room and the only thing for it was to laugh. Just as it was equally preposterous that I was driving around town, on the odd 30 minutes that I was able to escape the hospital to dash home to shower, with a TOILET in the back of my car since prior to appendectomy we were trying to renovate bathrooms on the cheap and used our one date night in 9 years of marriage to hit Lowes, without kids, to buy said toilet…but we hadn’t had time to unload it. So in some sort of Sanford and Son revival I drove around like a jerk with it rocking back and forth in the back with dirty laundry and random balloons.  So that’s a little funny.

And though much of my current state, I feel, is not-so-funny, I know that if I try to write about it with humor perhaps it will inspire me to feel better and less sad and depressed about the state of where I stand. This is, to be clear, where I stand. In the past, I’ve hesitated to blog on certain things I’ve gone through in an effort to not seem judgmental on other’s choices to stay at home, work, etc etc. Let me be clear now that the premise of these conferences, and how I really feel, that everyone’s choice on staying at home or working is an entirely personal one. There isn’t a right answer, globally, because there are different right answers for everyone–I never judge anyone or their choices, except myself–and I reevaluate those choices every single day ad nauseum, way way way too often. Thus, when I write of my own frustrations and doubts, they are mine and not meant to project my own opinions on your choices. Read or ignore but over the upcoming entries my goal is to try to profile a bit more on how one well-educated and very experienced marketing professional keeps sane while seeking solid gigs and providing ROUND THE CLOCK on-call service for 3 little girls and a husband-who, by the way, hit the stereotype square on the head by leaving the house a disaster in my 2 week absence, up to and including not replacing a single toilet paper roll. Proving, in fact, that I guess only I can do it.  

So in my ongoing quest to be the perfect mother I gave up yelling for Lent (I was sort of successful. That is, I have been yelling less and also, when I yell, I think about it more in the sense of “I gave up yelling and now I am yelling”. So noticing is half the battle.) 

Part of why I gave up yelling is because of an “EPISODE” with my children, my delightful angels, who seem to have no inherent ability to determine what is “too far”. For instance, when Mommy’s been on for 4 straight days because Daddy’s had work stuff and Mommy is tired and working also and it’s way way way past bedtime and Mommy wants to watch The Biggest Loser it’s best to just hop in bed and GO TO BED. However, since the “Too Much” filter is either missing, set too low, or just permanently off, the 3 1/2 year old twins just kept asking, and asking – (“Another hug” “Where’s my tiger” “Another hug” “Where’s my bear” “Another hug” – I love them but FIFTY HUGS? – “I’m tirsty” (misspelling intended).  So then I was done and (this is not my proudest moment) I yelled. And I might have dropped a very bad word. Twice. On my 3 1/2 year old. In the sense of “Lie down, lie down now” (insert the bad word twice in there). 

I felt REALLY bad after this. Felt even worse because my husband then guilt tripped me about how awful I was for dropping the word-that-should-not-be-said on the “innocent” child.

Ok so, fast forward to this weekend, when a good friend whose name will not be used, to protect the innocent and the guilty, told me of her temper tantrum. (She did not know she was “on the record”, another reason her name will not be used). Her temper tantrum was predicated by the same sorts of things MINE was – the pushing, the pushing, the PUSHING. In her case her 6 and 4 year old girls were  joining her (and her baby and her husband) in their bed every am earlier and earlier and oh yes, fighting louder and louder each morning. She’s supremely patient, etc – but had HAD ENOUGH the other day and finally yelled “Get the (really bad word) out of my bed, get the (really bad word) out of my bed right NOW!” Having not blown off enough steam, she then marched everyone downstairs for 5 am breakfast which was literally “on the fly” as she hurled a box of rice crispies across the kitchen at her children and told ‘em to eat up. No stranger to hurling food myself, I saw myself in EVERY PART of this story.

It made me feel better about myself that she, who IS typically very very calm with her children, was pushed to throwing/very bad word status. Her husband didn’t guilt trip her – in fact, he admitted the kids had it coming. And the very next day they did NOT join her in bed and were angelic in the am.

Follow up is our recent trip to IKEA. My husband, fed up with the three girls not listening and perpetually whining, had already had it when one of the twins dropped the entire bag of 400 colored straws ALL OVER the floor having been told over and over not to open the bag. Having a, dealt with similar before and b, expecting nothing less, I was not surprised or even particularly bothered but HE dropped a GD bad word on them (not as bad as mine but still pretty bad). The road to perfection is, it seems, littered with a couple of swears and some flying rice crispies, here and there.  

I got a note from a woman at Money Magazine. Money is doing a story on women who are going back to work in this economy, because of this economy. In return for profiling the woman, Money will provide career coaching and advice from a financial planner. If you are interested, you can email me at meghan@onrampsforum.com and I will put you in touch with the editor; this request is urgent so they are looking for respondents today, Wednesday, June 3. Please note that they would like the profile to include the family’s household income. 

If you’ve been at one of our Boston events, you’ve likely had the opportunity and pleasure to hear Christine Koh speak. Christine is an amazing and smart and creative superstar; she has a degree in brain science and music and didn’t want to be a professor, she decided. Instead she started Bostonmamas.com and ALSO Posh Peacock Designs. Whew! Exhausting!  

But now other people see how amazing she is to and she’s been nominated as one of Boston’s best bloggers. If you’ve read her great, witty, prose and used her amazing resources and tools you’ll likely be happy to vote for her here to help her win. Good luck, Christine! 

Obviously first and foremost many of us trust our instincts. I’ll usually bounce a really bad day or a big question off of my mom, figuring that I turned out ok so she must have been doing something right. I get good ideas from my friends.

Somewhere I don’t go for parenting advice is virtual strangers. Yet in a shocking and maddening turn of events my  3 1/2 year old twins’ dance teacher misunderstood, thinking that my not asking her for her views on my parenting was an oversight and not, as is actually true, a clear and total lack of interest in her opinion.

Now I must say the twins do not have an unblemished record of good behavior. Once they figured out there were two of them they, between them, determined that if they were not interested in the goings-on of a particular class they’d be better off just amusing themselves. For the most part we’ve reinforced “YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE TEACHER” to deter this behavior but hey, once in a while everyone has a bad day.

Which they did the other day and their teacher asked them what they had for breakfast (cereal and half a donut, they fessed up) and this led to not me, but my poor babysitter getting a 15 minute lecture – in front of all the other parents, kids, etc on “Healthy Eating”. As my 5 year old said, “It just went on and on”. She heard how they couldn’t have sugar, at all, how Americans have horrid eating habits, that’s why we are all so fat, that sugar is awful for kids, that they should have scrambled eggs and meat protein for breakfast, blah blah blah, blah blah blah.

At the risk of sounding defensive several facts come into play—one, Twin 2 literally has had to leave swim class two weeks in a row because she’s too cold in the pool due to her negative body fat ratio. She (no joke) at 3 ½ has six-pack abs in some sort of non-genetic stroke of luck as, I can assure you, neither my husband nor I are sporting anything resembling a 6pack. Two, I work all day at getting fruit and veggies into them, and they’re getting better and better. I’d once resorted to trickery a la Jessica Seinfeld, pureeing up veggies and slapping them into all manner of meals and cookies, but after the chick-pea chocolate chip cookies received a “Don’t put those corns in there again” and the sweet-potato laced hot chocolate was spit out, I decided it was better to be up front about veggies and get the kids to like them. Which they do! My 5 year old eats full salads, they nosh on carrots and broccoli, they eat fruit. It’s not all the time, and I certainly still pat myself on the back with a “Job well done” after I get a good serving of fruit into them…

But the point is I didn’t send them to dance class with a Big Gulp, a 40 of malt liquor, or anything of the sort. It is in NO way appropriate or within bounds for anyone to volunteer advice on how to raise my kids, except MAYBE their grandmother. I got madder and madder, planning telling-off scenarios—but I don’t want repercussions on them (they’re only 3 ½!) So I’m resorting to my blog and on the chance that “You know who you are” is reading this—thanks, I’m all set on the nutrition advice.

Anyone else have experiences with unwanted advice? 

None of this is news, but there’s a new report coming out all about what we cover at Detours&OnRamps. Maria Shriver, who’s made this a big issue in California and beyond, speaks on it…peek at it here. 

In this awful economy one of the things that makes me feel good each day is the nightly news on NBC, which I watch with my girls almost every night in a tradition passed down from my parents–they call Brian, “Brian Wil-mes” and get mad if there’s a substitute but don’t you know that my oldest knew “President Bush” at age 2 (no joke – my pediatrician, an ardent Republican, was blown away and walked her around the office spouting “President Bush” like she was a party trick). I digress. The NEWS doesn’t make me feel good each day – but their “Making a Difference” reports on things that people are doing to help others is truly inspiring – a day care providing free babysitting for parents on a job interview – dry cleaners or hair salons offering free services, for job interviewers – I think it is great. 

 I also personally am always very touched by the stories of military families. Regardless of your feelings about the war(s) I think almost all of us are supportive of these military families, and I just learned of a woman who wrote a great book and a simple list of things we can all do to help. 

 Alison Buckholtz is the wife of an active-duty Navy pilot who recently returned from a seven-month deployment in the Persian Gulf, and is now preparing for a twelve-month tour in Bagdad.  Alison is author of Standing By: The Making of An American Military Family In A Time of War. She has also created the  two-minute video “Homecoming Day” documenting the emotional reunions between military children and their parents: 

Here’s Alison’s list.  

“5 Things Anyone Can Do to Help a Military Family”

· Help mow the lawn or shovel snow. Seasonal outdoor tasks that may typically have been done by the deployed servicemember are sometimes overwhelming to a spouse parenting alone. 

· Suggest starting a school carpool. If the military spouse has more than one child to bring to school in the morning, or has to get to work on time, a shared ride will be a welcome relief.  

· Offer to babysit. Spouses of deployed servicemembers desperately need time to themselves — it doesn’t have to be a special occasion!

· Propose to be their emergency contact or general back-up. Often military families new in town don’t have trusted friends who would fill this role, and spouses of deployed servicemembers often worry about what might happen to their child if they can’t be reached. 

· Offer to play favorite games and activities with the children of the deployed servicemember. Boys and girls who might be used to playing sports or doing arts and crafts with their deployed parent miss their usual activities — and though family friends can’t take the place of a parent, these outings can be a welcome distraction. 

The recent conference in Waltham pointed out several great opportunities that are out there…in particular, Linda Kagan from Forms4Parents. com mentioned that she was looking for b-to-b sales help. Grab her if you’re interested. Linda’s Forms4Parents provides a great service to parents who work, travel, or just leave their children with sitters from time to time. 

Laura Tomasetti, from 360 Public Relations, also was looking for people for her 360PR Mom Squad. I would encourage you to peek at her site, her blog, and reach out to her as well. She has amazing mom-focused clients and brands and as we all know moms are the best at spreading the word about mom-favored things!  

There were representatives from both Prudential Financial and  SFG (a MetLife/New England Financial) broker-dealer. Did you ever consider becoming a financial advisor? It’s a great career for women, and allows you to be your own boss – while providing valued, trusted advice to people who need it. And many companies are ACTIVELY seeking female advisors (Prudential and MetLife, for example!) If you want to follow up with either group, let us know and we can get you contact information. 

And Brenda Stanton, who was there as a coach, is running a series of sessions to help budding entrepreneurs – for great advice and support, this is the place to go. For more info: click here.MIT, a participant in past events, also has a great program called the Career Reengineering Program.

If you are shifting disciplines or returning to work after time spent away, this is a great resource and they are holding information sessions soon…All info sessions will be held on the MITcampus at 10:00 am. The first round of dates are April 21, May 7, May 12, June 2, June 18, July 14. If you’re interested, go to the website to sign up for a convenient date.

If you were a part of the event, or if you just have an opportunity – let us know! And we’d love to hear your success stories, too. Lastly, we’re trying to put together some networking groups – either in person, or online; please let us know if you’d like to be a part! We’ll plan for weekly or more likely every-other-week calls on relevant topics. 

Thanks to everyone that helped make the Waltham event a success – from sponsors to presenters to attendees. As always I learned quite a bit myself. The first thing that comes to mind is “No one looks good in yellow” (thank you Ginger and Total Image Consultants!)  

There was great discussion regarding the economy and where its going…and the subsequent effects on jobs, companies, and flexible situations. We got a great legislative update from Nikki Murphy, and regardless of your politics I think it is encouraging to see some of the steps and ideas that may turn into law, to make flexibility a part of the workplace for everyone.

I also was able to attend most of the session on entrepreneurship, and heard from Laura Tomasetti (360 Public Relations), Jo McChesney (Isis)  and Julie Bergeron, representing Safety Partners. The discussion, led by Brenda Stanton (a great coach) included the advice that sometimes you just have to GO FOR IT. There were several folks in the group from the Hingham Coop, who spoke later – but everyone agreed that sometimes it may not seem wise, or prudent, to jump in with both feet – but sometimes you just have to do it and success will come! Inspiring for me and I hope it will lead to bigger and better for Detours and OnRamps. 

The day before the event, I received an email invitation to a one-day webcast (that would mean a full day sitting in front of a computer, just listening!) It covered job hunting – resumes, interview skills, etc. The cost was the same as Detours, and having gone through the great day AT Detours (I didn’t join the webcast) I truly think the difference and the best part of a live event is the ability to touch base with others in the same boat, in a different boat, or just those sailing along – the human interaction piece is key! 

Thanks to all who were there and we’re planning now for fall events – that’s plural, events, as Detours gets bigger and better! Please let us know if you’d like to see an event in your city. And if you were at an event, please let us know your success stories – through networking, onsite conversations, etc. Lastly, we are working on creating some networking groups – so stay tuned! 

I spend much of my time working on figuring out what I’m going to do with myself when I grow up, what my ideal job is going to be – as I slog through the days of my current (not ideal) job and work away on Detours (ideal but not a million dollar venture quite yet).

And I find that as a mom it’s quite easy to be derailed not just by the antics and hijinks of my kids (funny, and not bothersome) but also by self-doubt and tiredness (not funny, and quite bothersome). Certainly some of my ideas aren’t great ones. When my oldest was in utero I taught myself to knit and then my cousin and I started an online sweater business which had a GORGEOUS site and an ok concept–customizable sweater designs–but not a great business model as the prices we ended up having to charge were a lot and yet we were still knitting for virtually $1/hour. One publicity stunt later (making sweaters for Julia Roberts’ twins; she was photo-ed in People Mag carrying them in a bag, unfortunately NOT emblazoned with our emblem, and that’s as far as that went) our hands clawed up and we pulled the plug on the business.  

But I continue in moments of lucidity to have good (I think) ideas and I know a lot of moms that have the same…this great article was just sent to me about a team of moms in the Boston area who created a great Co-op…find out more.  However in moments of doubt I’m my own worst critic. That’s why I feel sometimes I’m so lucky to be in the position of producing this conference (I feel less lucky when I’m stuffing 150 goody bags by myself but that’s rare). I get to talk to such great people who are so inspiring. And they put truth to the notion of “It’s not forever”…that smart people can have evolutionary careers in that they can succeed at many different things.

I spoke with Lisa the other day who was a successful attorney turned project manager/consultant turned recruiting/transition expert. I spoke with Sean who has a “real job” and also multiple blogs. These were just two conversations in two days that inspired me personally to say “I can do more than just the marketing job for (insert big company) I’ve always had…and I can do it well, and live on my terms”. That’s so important to me and it made me feel great to see other people succeeding at different iterations of their career.

I’m not saying anything revolutionary, I know. But it’s one of the reasons I love to BE at the Detours conferences, to be inspired by those around me. And it’s why it’s so important to have and make time for strong networks. Which brings me to the point of looking for a NJ-based business partner for a “big idea”–if you’re interested in the mom-market  let me know. And it’s why I hope I’ll see you in March.