I just read an interesting perspective on how our views of good mommies change as we become them ourselves (or at least become mommies and doubt the good part). As Kristen points out when we are in the situation the faxed homework seems normal when before, as a casual (or judgemental) observer, it seemed the embodiment of bad parenting. You never know what you’ll do until you’re in a situation – of course, for instance, your hypothetical child will eat veggies and fruit, will never have more than one cookie, and will clean up each activity upon finishing it; your actual 4 1/2 year old twins will only eat chicken nuggets shaped like dinos, leave a party on a sugar high induced by 6 cookies, and will be the on the receiving end of daily mommy tantrums to “CLEAN UP THIS STY”. Not that I have any experience in this regard.

We do grow older and wiser (and maybe more tolerant of dino-based diets) but this article about bosses and role models also made me think, when paired with a conversation I had with a friend over the weekend who is considering mommy-hood and wondering about its effect on her career. She is at the crossroads of “Do I stay at my job for the benefits or look now before I have a child?” I remember staying at a job I should have left. SHOULD HAVE LEFT. But I knew that since I’d worked for my boss, a woman, loyally and kept everything in the department afloat for 3 1/2 years, that I’d have some freedom after having a baby – perhaps I could telecommute a couple of days. I knew where I stood.

Until I came back and found out where I stood was in quicksand. Without kids I was a loyal employee who stayed all night cleaning up messes and shouldering all the work. With me gone on 8 weeks of maternity leave, the emperor was exposed without clothes – and the productivity of the department came crashing down. I came back to fix messes, and messes there were – and long story short, the job I’d loved turned into a nightmare (an earlier post included the gory details; friends who lived through it, with me, laughed at the post and thought maybe I shouldn’t have it “out there”, in cyberspace…so catch me over a glass of wine and I can fill you in if you’re interested!)

The lessons I learned were 1, never to count on a job that’s not in writing, or flexibility that’s not guaranteed…even if you’ve seen others enjoy it. But 2, never to feel trapped. Because I did; I remember sitting at my kitchen table crying, thinking, “I want to spend time with this little baby I have, but how can I get a job that will let me do that?” I thought I had no options…until I quit, and consulted, and options came along. And 3, make a plan for a career that is shifting and changing and takes into account the shifts and changes of life. That’s what I’m trying to advise my friend…to do what’s right for her and let the career pieces fall…because as awful as the last days of that bad job were, thank goodness I got kicked in the tush and the door hit me on the way out, because otherwise I might have stayed and sacrificed my life and ethics for a place that wasn’t worth it. I think to a later job, that I threw out there “I can travel a ton! I can be your go-to girl!” AGAIN, thank goodness it didn’t work; I’ve watched my girls grow up (fueled by dino chicken) and for me, this is the right choice.